One thing that I’ve been working on since my breakup five months ago is building communities around myself. For most of college I had quite a small social circle as I adapted to life in North Carolina. During my last relationship, my ex’s family was my primary support system. But now that the relationship’s ended and I’m moving on to a new stage of my life, I realize that it’s time for me to take a more active role in creating meaningful connections.
Here are four lessons I’ve learned so far.
Showing up consistently to events / shared experiences
This is the single most important advice. Adult friendships take genuine effort and commitment, even if they are formed on the basis of shared interests. In college, we are guaranteed to have shared intimate experiences with a large group of people. This is no longer the case for college grads, for whom it becomes important to be intentional in creating shared experiences with new people on a regular basis.
The best way to expand my world has been to show up consistently to places and events. For me it has looked like joining volleyball rec leagues, signing up for beginner ultimate frisbee lessons and for a night class, and going to silent book club meetings. It is much easier to form connections when I see the same people over an extended period of time. It gives me time to get to know people better and assess whether I enjoy spending time with them.
Deepening preexisting interests and aspects of identity
As an introvert, always going to new events to meet people is not always sustainable. I’ve found it easier to connect with people who share a preexisting interest of mine and/or an aspect of my identity (e.g., having grown up in multiple cultures). This way I can find like-minded people while doing something that I already enjoy.
Deepening my interests have also helped create value and meaning in my life. For example, captaining for my indoor volleyball team has challenged me in ways that I did not expect while revealing to me aspects of myself I did not know existed. This experience has, for instance, reaffirmed my interest in bringing people together and creating spaces where people feel welcome.
Diversifying the type of relationships
Connections with different people may look different, and that’s okay. The relationships I have, say, with my literature friends look different from those I have with my volleyball friends. I value these connections differently, and they have worked to enrich my life in very diverse ways.
Not all connections have to be “deep”
This is a big revelation for me. I’ve lived most of my life thinking that what I needed was one or two “deep” relationships. I’m not saying that deep connection don’t exist; rather, such an expectation often places an unrealistic pressure on a handful of people to satisfy my needs. In a community there are bound to be casual acquaintances, and they can be a huge source of love and support as well. It can be tremendously helpful, for example, to be on a first name basis with your neighbors, something that I am trying to build as I move into my new home.
Billy Cao 